Hannah’s llamas

Hannah has simple and extra-ordinary dreams. Her biggest lifetime one was to have some llamas. Thus, instead of asking for a big rock to fit her married woman finger, she got a llamas flock, six and a half to be precise. Indeed, nobody knew Hyngi was feeding baby Stormy in her round womb.
Today, Hannah may experience her dream and learn how to live besides her expected animals. And she sometimes invites strangers to share her passion for a day or a season.

Hannah and her husband Jager thus generously shared their Alaskan way of life with me, asking for my help with animals and making the homestead ready for winter. Some do-gooder city European people would like to give them lessons about the meat they eat, their ozone and climate impact and a bunch of other thoughts created by some left-wing intellectuals – that some would call me if I didn’t kick against labels and putting one’s thoughts in a box – who theorize from their urban duplex and their trendier than genuinely organic lifestyle, when Hannah’s and Jager’s way of life is way closer to the environment, with all the violent wilderness it implies, than any environmental rhetorician*. I therefore followed, curious and fascinated, a fleeting life written like an adventure, which yet means a random daily life full of struggles and realities as bad as a frozen or broken septic. The only solution to this problem is the outhouse – Alaskan houses’ essential accessory. All this is not an Instagram pictures with filter, it is their life day after day.

As for the animals that I had to take care of, when I decided to work at Hannah’s and Jager’s ranch, I didn’t mind about llamas. I didn’t feel anything particular about them, except that I didn’t want to be spited on. After more than a month at Hannah’s, she loves them so much and they are such interesting and gentle animals** that I didn’t really have any other choice than to fall in love with them as well… I have been told in order to know better a stranger I should observe their dog. Hannah has dogs as well, which she deeply loves; but I truly met her watching her llamas and how she was with them. She suddenly sparkles, she is everything she doesn’t allow herself to be in everyday life. She puts both her shy confidence and unspoken fears in her light and sound love for them. When Hannah is with her llamas, she goes back to the inner child we all hide. Only Halloween and Christmas decorations might make her as bright. To be counted as Hannah’s friend, I only had to listen to her heart throughout Stormy’s curious and eager steps, throughout Izkue’s rough stubbornness, throughout Hyngi’s insolent hunger, throughout Bob’s arrogant indifference. To be counted as Hannah’s friend, I just had to warmly laugh at Hyngi’s and Stormy’s matching black on white butts. To be counted as Hannah’s friend, I just had to unconditionally give my love to the flock she adores.

As her friend, a new reality stroke me: our friendship has existed, invisible and unbreakable, even before our time. I will always remember the days I was looking for a workaway in Alaska and ran into Hannah’s genuine and kind smile: I couldn’t tell why, but I wanted to go there. I was called. When I arrived at the house on the blue ridge, when our conversations started to be friendly, I understood better… Our lives are too similar, even when they are so different; our fates must be linked somewhere, they have something to share. Our lives’ events look alike, dates cross; and our heart understood each other, and our lives trusted each other, our silence shut up despite our will, messy and spontaneous. And we awkwardly embrace being meant to be. So much we are apart, so much we are alike.
Hannah melt my heart with her rough strength, with her visible stubbornness, that both actually hide so many loud questions, so many burning doubts. Her courage gives me confidence, my listening calms her down. My locked heart thus freed little by little. She gave me the right to be angry in a constructive way, if such a thing is possible. She gave me the opportunity to believe again in a certain idea of a shining happiness in my life. Without knowing, without wanting, she still helps me to picture next day with joy, to think of a hopeful future. With Hannah, I didn’t feel the urgent need to leave that I had been through since the beginning of my journey. I let myself linking every piece of my life, thread after thread, in the time my heart would need.

I exactly found what I needed in the blue house on the ridge, a new home, the right place to meditate my heart’s highways, a beautiful and kindhearted friend listening to my confidences when I needed. And I didn’t know how to leave anymore, I didn’t know if I really wanted to, even if my traveling soul still had an exploring heart. I therefore had to rehearse my own departure to be able to accomplish it. The first one was aborted, the second was heart-breaking. Thankfully, I know for sure it was not a farewell but an impatient see you soon!

* I mean by rhetoricians, the ones who talk a lot instead of applying their own big and moral rules.
** For instance, llamas never fight, they biggest violence is to spit on you or to each other; if you want to tame one, you will have to spit my friends!

Justine T.Annezo – Aug. 31st to Oct. 7h 2019, Healy – GTM-8