A special day

Back at the Black Cat Guest Ranch for work, hours are spent washing dishes and getting ready for MY big day… You always make assessment about your life before significant changes, you question both your past and your future, you spend your present fixing your past and building your future. Significant events always make you hopeful for ultimate transformations. I therefore feel the need to reveal my own truth.
By a curious mind game, by a strange reminding, I remember one special period of time, two years ago. I had never been so paradoxically strong than at that moment, I was full of hope and of a fragile strength nothing could defeat. I stood for myself despite other opinions. I had faith and I was right. Because that faith flew me for a last farewell. Because that faith brought new projects that now define my present. I admire this unwavering confidence, this invincible hope, that I put in a plural entity and that I now put in myself. Because I would like this light to not need external looks to exist. Yet, I have to accept this faith is exhausting, it was then questioned and jeopardized every minute. Today as well, every minute could reveal another truth, another reality. But faith remains…
Devoted to my interstellar introspection, I peacefully feel my ropewalker heart opening to a cleansing sadness. Because my peace is changing, it is sometimes cheerful, sometimes sad, but always there like a faithful companion. I still fear my unhealed wounds, I would like my life to look a bit more like my heart. And maybe it does, but this reflection might not be the one I prefer. I live with it though, I try not to summon my wounds, to leave room for new hopes and I look at this mess with a smile.
My thoughts are then getting ready for the best, having transformed the worse, blown by snow storm trying to match and transmute my Autan thirty years old storm. I am therefore prepared for my D Day, prepared to start my new life.

October 28th – whose temporal limits are blurry with different time zones – is huge and magnificent. I turn 30 in France when Canada hasn’t chimed my birthday’s. It is not time for assessments anymore, I turn to future.
However, I wake up with a heavy heart full of tears. I wake up far. I wake up with a moving letters that gives the ton of this special day.
I spend long hours on the phone, talking to my family. Each of my parents sharing how their thirties looked like. Comforted by my siblings’ fond laughs. I spent short minutes on my screen, reading my international friends’ thoughts in songs, words, videos or llamas. I open to present reality, grateful of my surrounding people’s simple kindness. I shed salted waterfalls on my face, moved by such beautiful attentions, transformed by all that love.

I am standing on the other end of the world, far from everyone, close to every heart. I miss everybody so much but, gazing at Mount Robson iced blue landscapes, I am not alone anymore but full of you all. Cheerfully given to my blue sun, I put the whole received love in my short frozen walk. Green is nice to look at after so much snow. The stream runs against rocks, special of its special color, towards the first blue lake, our stopping point, mesmerizing beyond words. I wouldn’t know how to describe why this simple promenade moves me so much, why it makes me so happy. Way more than Lake Louise which was stunning. Maybe, today, this scenery only belongs to me and my birthday. It is not majestic or shinning; landscapes stand in simple beauty that only moves me. And, all of sudden, being far from everybody I love makes sense; all of a sudden, I am at the right place on Earth. Blossomed. Fulfilled. It is then the best way to turn 30.
And there is this sparkling and magic moment when Anya and I’s talk leads us to wonder who Disney princess we could be, leads us to hilariously chose in the same time I would be Olaf, Frozen‘s snowman, and she would be Elsa. It is nothing, but it makes us laugh for a good 15 minutes, but it shines in my unspoken day.
It is then time to go home, late on our schedule of course, even if Mount Robson makes us think we gain an hour*. We have to go further not to end up out of gas, filling up the tank is epic: impossible to find where to pay, impossible to make work the handle… Two true dimwitted girls rescued by the true ladies in distress’ savior. We pass Mount Robson again, bluer in a darker sky. We get our Liquor Store’s stop where we look drunk even before any drop of alcohol. Our regular mountain goats went home; they were here this morning, like always on the stretch between Jasper and Hinton, forever reminder of Anya on the passenger seat.
And we reach the Black Cat Guest Ranch, my home for one last night, where we spend a movie night with Amber and Perry : Groundhog Day, pop corn and beer. A perfect end for a perfect day.

As 11.59 pm is about to turn into somebody’s else birthday, I am struck by an incredible conclusion. I have been so ungrateful towards life, consciously or unconsciously trapped in my past wounds. Because a tiny thing was missing, because I let events from my childhood decide for me, I couldn’t acknowledge what I had now. I couldn’t see how much my family loved me because it was not always the way I wanted them to. I have taught myself to notice this for the past few years. I forgave the past. Yet, I couldn’t completely let it go, I was not completely trustful, assuming I would be disappointed and wounded again; something was pulling me back. I therefore had the urgent need for someone to fill up that lack.
But, for this birthday, I can feel such a pure light and love from my clan. I am so grateful to be surrounded by such an unique family, unperfect and messy, wounded and spread, sad and shining, kind and supporting, magic and balanced. My family is a masterpiece and a work in progress. My family is my biggest victory, my biggest luck. I was blinded by past sorrows, I couldn’t acknowledge I got the love I needed, more than I could name. Today, I can tell how they always supported me in who I was and what I did. They made my life so much easier, and God knows how I tend to make it more complicated!
I thus change my look on my past, I thus change my future’s course. Today, I put my fondations where they should be, in my roots, in order to not look for a saving love; I am prepared to start my new life. In my future present.

* Mount Robson is in BC and in another time zone than the Black Cat Guest Ranch.