Pastel

I hoped my morning in Logan will show me a better look of the canyon and surrounding mountains but the heavy and dancing snow has other plans for me.
I get deeper in Utah the, the two faces State… I reach the capital, Salt Lake City, in an even heavier snow, leading me to the library’s warmth in order to recreate my adventures on my computer.
For two days, even when the sun rises again, I spend hours in this library which could be anywhere, even in Toulouse, only the Pyrenees would have zoomed in my window.
I don’t thoroughly visit the place and I don’t really mind. I gaze at the Capitol rising on the top of the hill in the night and it is enough. I admire magnificent surrounding mountains and it is already a lot.

Before definitely leaving though, instead of watching the red full moon, I walk in midday sun along the salty lake. I ride the road previously snowed leading me to Antelope Island. I then look from the Earth at the Upper Salt Lake blues and reds and whites that I had admired from the sky two years before. Landscapes are the same pastels that I remember and I am far for being disappointed. Even if it is frozen sometimes, even if it is snowed somewhere. It is such a pure beauty. The lakes quiet simplicity.
I loved superimposing those two different time zones, even if it is always a bit weird to travel through time. To think I was in the same place but in the sky. Does this past layer remain somewhere, here, superimposed as I step the soil I saw from the clouds? Am I creating my own parallel worlds, am I reaching roots between two versions of myself?
I am happy to feel my muscles stretching with my walk. It is been such a long time since I have hiked. I can’t see the pink water though, only the dark turquoise blue lake. Mountains around, whose soil is probably red in summer time, get some pinkish shades through their snow and give me my red. To be honest, the entire day truly redefine my pastel palette so specific to salt Valley and match my memory: the blue sky, sparkling sun, mountains. And even my cheeks. And even my thoughts.

As I am wandering the Upper Salt Lake, I realize something massive, that my feelings have blurred since the beginning of 2020. Indeed, my two last weeks have been so upsetting. New Year. New beginning. It was too much for me. Once again when I want something too hard, my feelings took over and I panicked. Once again waxing moon really didn’t help. It was vicious and blind though, I only now realize how I was lost in my nightmares, now that I have embraced my relief.
My change of place towards Utah has turned into the real demonstration of my changing thoughts, or vice versa. My circle has slightly drifted. I breathe better. I truly understand my past is not painful anymore, it is not completely detached from my present yet but my heart doesn’t ache anymore. My past doesn’t need to heal anymore. I have grieved for what I have lost. I have changed my belief so it has turned into promises and not obstacles. I am finally free to run towards what I dream of, to know it is reachable. I totally embrace my beginning, my new chapter, my new possible. I open my heart to this hope.
I have already written that, but it is more real today than yesterday, it is less deep today than tomorrow…

And I feel absolutely good. Of being here. Now.

And once my steps are done stretching my mind, I try to find the cut in the water, so there is a pink lake and a blue one; but I get lost, I am not sure I can reach it from here. Then, I observe both sunset and moon rise peculiar colors. Sometimes, it is even better to look on the other side, where the last sun beams hit powdered snow and the sky above.

I never get tired of gazing at the moon, so perfectly golden when it is close to the Earth’s curb, as the horizon is still red on one side; waiting for my reunion with Molly, one of my Alaskan encounters in Seward. We spend the night in a loud ice cream shop and Molly, so thoughtful, offers me a warm place for the night. I realize our different time lines. People have been through so much since last summer… They have fallen in love, unfallen in love, they have built lives and broken it, while I stay, eternal wanderer in my circled thoughts.