Taming Time
DAY 1
I have felt at war for a few days now. Probably because I have never actually had to live through a war. Probably because this exceptional moment in France, in the entire world, is the closest to the war I might ever picture.
Yet, despite what everybody wants us to believe, we are not at war! Our “dear” President hammered that word in his messy speech in order to get some De Gaullish’s legitimacy but we are not at war.
Yet, starting today at noon*, we will need special authorization to get out. There is no curfew yet, it will come. The world is insane.
Since our “dear” President announced schools lock down last Thursday, I have felt a shinning and majestic feeling going through me that I have only felt once in my life: after Paris attack in November 2015. I more vividly feel I belong to a whole, it is like a crowd’s, a people’s, a Nation’s one and only move.
Even if it means being cut from each other for a while. We are all strangers; yet today, we have never been so close. We, Citizens of the World, are united in an invisible and unbreakable way. We are all gonna be quarantined and that unity moves me, it gives a meaning to this state of emergency, to this authoritarian government. In such a moment, my love for others is visible, my love for the one I love is multiplied.
The Plague was on its way to Damascus and crossed a leader’s caravan in the desert.
“Where are you going so fast?” the chief asked.
“In Damascus, I intend to take a thousand lives.”
As it returned from Damascus, the Plague again crossed the caravan. The chief said, “You took fifty thousand lives, not a thousand.”
“No,” said the Plague. “I took a thousand. Fear took the rest.”
Of course, my dream of a better world is soon crushed…
There are stupid events on TV: empty toilet papers aisles, rushes to supermarket, etc…
There are social distancing rules. I have only heard about safety distance rules on highways, I am not aware of government’s new laws that I don’t really trust. Thus, when I was waiting to pay in a grocery store yesterday and the lady before me asked me to go further from her so I didn’t possibly infect her; it was like a damper…
There are so many insane behaviors. This perfectly healthy student will stay alone in his small apartment during the quarantine because his family doesn’t want him to come home with a possible virus. That family cancels her friends’ dinner even before president’s orders not to risk infection.
None of this makes sense! I understand and yet, doesn’t. I don’t judge anyone but I feel overwhelmed by all those behaviors which strike me as extremely violent. Fear is hiding us we are all humans! Blinded by fears, nobody realizes we might all be scared but in different ways…
Thankfully, there are others…. Whose behaviors are more comforting because they would match my own.
Ones who rush to restaurants and bars before midnight** so they can enjoy their freedom one last time. Ones who spend their Sunday in a park to celebrate spring is coming. Ones who remember, despite illness and fears, there is life!
Am I the only one to see how absurd all this is? Am I reckless? Am I too sensitive? Yes, disease is everywhere but let’s not forget who we are, don’t let us be ruled by fears. Because if we all must die, let’s not this virus take away our last backup, love… our last wall, freedom.
It is possible to stay safe and sound, and feel free, and feel human. This is why I greet who is out for one last drop of fresh air, I greet who is in as the ultimate citizen gesture. I praise who acts with his heart and conscience, and not because he is afraid or because Mister President said so.
We are not at war, we are going through exceptional times that might lead to something bigger, like a gigantic purification, like a huge liberation. And we can choose to go with the flow without letting our “dear” president punishing us: “Naughty brats, you went out Sunday, now you will be quarantined until the end of times!”
Let’s think about responsibilities please! There are those who go out on Sunday, maybe being unconscious, maybe being impudent. While there are some cutting hospitals’ budgets and now doctors have to choose who to save, they are barely protected with handmade masks (when they are!)! Who is guiltier?! Governments are counting their money, we will count our dead***…
As for me, I walked one last time in bored streets by a desert Monday morning in Toulouse. My soul squeezed, it was raining on my heart, my stomach froze, so hostile and suspicious the atmosphere invisibly was.
As for me, I leave my pink city with my two sisters. It is not noon yet and it is once more like everybody wanted to get one last shoot of urban life before being locked down. Nothing extravagant, no crowded rush, still a bit of too much people out for a first quarantined day though.
We follow the highway to reach our mum’s in Carcassonne and pass some toilet paper overcrowded cars. It still reminds me of war, I think about 1940 Europe exodus. In future history books though, they will not mention barrows and coaches full of last treasures, they will talk about cars full of toilet papers. Us unwillingly included.
DAY 2
This quarantine looks a bit like family holidays with some Proust’s madeleine’s taste. It is the first time for ages that we will spend so much time together and I am surprised to be glad about it. It would have stressed me out a couple of years ago, this promiscuity for an undetermined time. But not today.
Today, I feel the almost organic need to reconnect to my own after such a long absence and not only because of my travels. Today and like any such exceptional periods, I need to be “at home”, my one and only home being my family.
Today, I feel free. Paradoxically. This idea of quarantine is kind of abstract. Except that I wanted to retread from the world in Italy, this lock down perfectly matches my need. My desire.
After a nice and big rushing French life shoot with my friends, I wanted to get myself remote somewhere, anywhere, in the county, at one of my parent’s probably, in order to commit to invented fates whose dreams have blossomed with my wandering. Then, cut from the world because our “dear” President said so or because I have decided so, it is the same thing and I go with the flow. I will finally take time to land from my journey and finish my delayed tales so I can get lost in my early daydreams.
My second quarantined day therefore cheerfully ends near a beer in spring sun.
DAY 4
The wind is crazy but gives us some more sun.
All’s well.
I fully sink in my adventures on the web.
All’s well.
Fines are getting higher to prevent people from going out. 89 dead people in France Wednesday. 109 yesterday. Climbing up. Italy has almost reached China. I wasn’t listening to numbers before, I was in the world but I was totally unaware of what Coronavirus meant. I start to feel a bit of fear, I myself get a bit scared.
A Polish journalist bitterly mocks Frenchies’ reactions in front of this pandemic. We invite philosophes and sociologists on TV sets – How will French people psychologically cope with quarantine? – while the rest of the world interviews scientists and economists – How will societies survive this crisis? – … ! Are we a fearless Nation or are we only and absolutely irresponsible? I now understand why we are considered such a romantic and loony people. We are sentimental when others are being pragmatic.
The journalist also blames Frenchies’ reactions when restaurants and bars where shut down, they rushed there with no care of the virus’ propagation. She doesn’t understand. And I realize I didn’t think about that: how curious it is that nothing was enough to scare us, the desire to go out was stronger.
Paradoxes, mine, other’s, the world’s, keep me quiet.
Nothing to say. Time follows the same path as my need.
The world that I used to wander through a couple of months ago meets in my phone screen. We are all quarantined and moved by the same opposite thoughts. Fear in one’s guts. Breaks in others’ breath. Boredom in some eyes. Helplessness in every heart. Hope as well maybe… Hope this mandatory break will change the system we have despised for such a long time. Hope our future come back in life will erase what was going wrong in our sick world.
DAY 6
I almost feel like I am leaving my journey behind just now…. I physically landed a month ago, yet, without feeling far from my soul, I haven’t really grasped what was contained in that simple word: “RETURN”. I didn’t take take time to actually wonder. I didn’t really have to think about why or how for tomorrow yet since I was still moving around. But I have no distraction left today. I am quarantined and it is time to process my new truth, to challenge it, to make sure of my metamorphosis. It stumbles in some places, I might not be that thrilled about that step of the way even if I know I need to go through. I always need to feel free to move even if I don’t want to… The illusion of freedom maybe.
I thus awake a bit unbalanced, I still need to understand some. I don’t really know where I belong. Coming home does apply to the entire journey. Stop. Is a necessity.
I am glad to be home but I feel like I am loosing my traveling soul, now my second skin, now my way to be to the world. It is tiny but I too, despite my beautiful saying, was cut in my move. I was single- minded: “Do’t get used to me, I am only passing by.” Return has never stopped stepping in my way though, shrinking my move; first, Italian borders were closed to my face, then I got locked in four walls. “Stop now”. Respect the promise you made to yourself and write. Actually stop so you are able to leave again. Maybe.
And the coronavirus upsets me more and more. Like a lot of people, it questions me to my bones. But it also light up my prosecuting look on the world. A part of me feels I am being manipulated once again, but I can’t tell to what point. I awake with a Mediapart article that questions the government’s measures, that talks about a possible remedy – chloriquine -, that urges us to identify sick people. Enough to raise people against quarantine. Time to share that information, it is already removed and blamed. Not enough research, propaganda and so much other cons. I don’t know who to believe, what to think. My suspicious heart would like to rise, why are we locked down if there are other solutions, but I feel too weak, to gullible and inexperienced to rebel. Tomorrow maybe.
Then awaiting for my hope, in order to fit in this end of the world feeling, I watch the Hunger Games movies…
* French quarantined started 03/17/2020 at noon.
** 03/12/2020, French president announces at 8 pm, all unnecessary shop, restaurants and bars will close down at midnight that day.
*** French saying on a sign when medical workers were on strike.
Justine T.Annezo – March 17th-23rd 2020, Carcassonne – GMT+1
Fleeting Wor(l)ds 