National Stateless

OPINION COLUMN #2

Tonight, as I was about to sink into some American readings, I was suddenly striken by the 14th of July’s familiar fireworks’ sounds. I thought Covid would have deserted night sky from its annual colors, it then took me by surprised. Without thinking twice, I jumped under my raincoat to be part of the national crowd. I wanted to belong one last time before being ostracized; I wanted to hear “Look, there’s a red one!” “Look, there’s a blue one!”. I ran towards the Garonne River to attend the show.

And I was the public’s public, not too inclined to get closer to the police line around the 14th of July crew. I stood across the street, clamor only partly reaching me. I observed that extraordinary usual show of people’s reunion, melting because they are used to, because it is a bank holiday, because it is summer time (although it feels like we are in November!), because it smells like holiday, because any occasion is worthy of going out after months of lock-down.

As for me, why did I run under those fleeting lights? It was not in revolution’s name, nor by patriotic means. It was not a drinkable excuse nor a friends meeting’s. I was a lonely 14th of July’s passenger; yet, even only for a brief moment, I was part of it. I surrendered to the need of getting lost in the crowd, that same feeling which threw my first opinion column a few weeks ago, that same feeling I have looked for since May, 19th.

Yes, life has finally got back on track one would say; except this life already has an expiration date for me – July, 21th to get some culture, August to fly and enjoy -, not because I am anti or pro something. But because this speed, this imposed non-choice, is freezing my soul. Because respect of three values named by some as Security, Health and Freedom, in which lies our Sophie’s choice, stands out like this through my conscious. That sanitary obligation is nonetheless creating a scission throughout our people. I and some of my friends and family will nonetheless be stripped off our rights to enjoy art, drinks and food (and most likely work in a little while). A year and a half ago, that reality would have driven me mad and made me cry tears of rage. Yes, tears of rage mad. Anytime I listened to Macron’s speeches during the first lock-down, I just wanted to torch the world so obviously the insidious manipulation stroke me.

Not today. Not the 14th of July.

Today, I only want to cry sad tears in front of the world I am being offered.

Then, in front of 14th of July show, in front of the grand finale joyful applause, I only cried sad tears. Both deep melancholic and sincere love tears. I was full of love indeed for all my fellow countrymen – mostly tipsy -, happy of that annual and known beauty, I was full of love for my fellow countrymen despite the fact half of them – more or less harshly – think I am irresponsible, uncivil and uncitizen. Love was the only feeling standing for in the end, since we only aim for the same bloody thing, shot or not, we long for being alive! Why do you think hundreds of people ran to a famous medical website in order to get their vaccin appointment just after our president’s speech? Because they wanted to keep their freedom of getting happy hour, Fast & Furious 9 and their 15% sales on Tommy’s burger aftermaths. #onelife How do I understand; I would like to be free of beer tasting with my dad, of hearing Marius’s farewells to Fanny, of restaurant crawls with my sisters. Only my need to be free to choose for my health, for my integrity, for my values, is stronger than my need to take parts of those events I have missed so much for a year.

Then I am sadly and soberly retiring from the ostracizing world, I am seeking refuge among those I love, shot or not, agreed or not, because this is not about pandemic or vaccin, this is about humanism.

Justine T.Annezo – July, 14th 2021